Long before I could tell what it was, I had dealt with impostor syndrome as a writer. I later got to learn that being a writer and having impostor syndrome is a popular pair. For so many years starting from when I first began writing and perhaps up till now, I had often asked myself, at what point in my journey as a writer would it be right to introduce myself as a writer and not look ridiculous?
A brief history of how this writing thing began for me. After reading so much Elechi Amadi, Flora Nwakpa, Lawrence Sanders, John Grisham and Ola Rotimi, I decided it would be a cool thing to write a book at some point in my life, maybe in my fifties. At this time, I was just 14 or 15. At that time, I believed if I could write a book, just one book, no matter how decent or horrible it turned out to be, I can at least say I was a writer with as much confidence as Grisham could say it too.
Seven years later, I was mid way through my debut novel, yes, I got a story idea I thought couldn't wait till my fifties. Writing this book was something I did in secret. I had never been secretive about any personal project the way I was with writing that book. I told no one and went out of my way to hide the manuscript from even my best friend and roommate at that time. Why did I make it a secret? I thought if anyone knew I was writing a book, I was going to look silly. I didn't think I looked like someone who should have any business writing a book. In my head, me telling any of my friends I was writing would be like a tortoise telling people he was going to the Olympics. Now I know I was wrong because when I finally published and they all found out, none of them seemed surprised at all. The reaction was mostly, Oh, that makes sense.
After this book was published and many people who knew me began to refer to me as a writer or an author, did I think I was one? Nope. I remember thinking one cannot really say they are a writer unless they have written a couple of books. Two years later, I wrote and published my second and third books. Surely, now I should be able to think of myself as a writer. Nah. I shifted the goal post to, a writer must be someone who actually earns steady income from their writing. Well, I put in some decent work and four years after my first book in 2015, I had my first full calendar year of getting royalty checks from Amazon. Oh now I can feel like a writer. Wrong.
At this point, being a writer became a thing you are after you are wildly recognized as a writer by lots of people you don't know. I had my first public book signing event in early 2017. In 2018 I facilitated a writing workshop at the Book Zone of Lagos Comic Con. Both events had rooms full of faces I don't know who came to buy my books and/or learn from my writing experiences. I am embarrassed to think that I left those events, feeling like a fraud rather than a success. What have I done to earn the same title as Chinua Achebe? I didn't even study literature or English in the University. Why am I shamelessly parading all over the internet claiming to be a literary figure when I could barely write a full paragraph free of grammatical or typographic errors?
I have come a long way from that person, but I still wonder sometimes if I am truly worth calling a writer. Though I am no psychologist or something like that, but here's what I came to believe about Impostor Syndrome. When we achieve a goal or become part of a group, that feeling of being inadequate or unworthy is how our subconscious tells us we have achieved something we were not supposed to achieve considering where we were coming from or what obstacles stood on our way. Impostor Syndrome is how we know what we have just done is a big deal which was beyond expectations. It is your spirit telling you how much odds you have just beaten.
The feeling of not deserving to be in that room is nothing but an acknowledgement that considering where you were coming from, you were not expected to make it there. So dear writer, when you feel the Impostor Syndrome of being called a writer or being in the writing community, recognize it's because writing and getting published is such a big deal, less than 0.1 of humans accomplish it in their lifetime. As I said, I still feel Impostor Syndrome, but now I understand it is as a result of how much respect and pride I have for the art of storytelling that I barely consider myself worthy to be associated with it.